Five Years Ago

Five years ago tomorrow, on June 11th, I became a mother.

Five years ago today, on June 10th, I had a really bad backache and was one super crabby pregnant lady. I was 37 weeks 2 days pregnant with a c-section scheduled for June 20th.  When we were at my doctor’s appointment at 36 weeks and confirmed the baby was breech, we went ahead and scheduled the c-section because the position she was in (footling) meant there was little to no chance of moving her.

Seeing that I was going to have a scheduled c/s I sort of thought we would get to pick her birth date. I thought I could ponder the wonder of the different numbers together and pick my favorite and most convenient. By the time I walked out of the room, I was informed that we were scheduled for 6/20 at 8am.

June 20th is my husband’s birthday, so I was sort of taken back about scheduling it for that day.  But there was no choice and no options.  So much for my planning.  We had a birth date!

And speaking of planning, being the Type A personality I am, after that appointment I thought I should probably think about getting my hospital bag packed just in case.   Having a scheduled date all of a sudden made it feel real.

So on that Saturday, June 10th, I thought, today will be the day I pack my bag and get ready. I made my husband take me to CVS to get lip balm as that was one thing on my list I didn’t have.  I read all the books and was on all the websites and every single hospital checklist said I had to pack lip balm.

I remember we got into a little disagreement about making an extra stop that day for lip balm because I already had various old chapsticks at home, but I was pregnant and irrational and convinced him I needed a BRAND NEW one for the hospital.

Being the smart man he was, he took his waddling crabby wife to CVS to get the darn lip balm.

When we got home, I went upstairs to pack, but felt so achy and tired, I actually laid down on the bed and ended up falling asleep.  Given this was to be our first baby, it was a time when I could take a nap at will.

So the bag didn’t get packed that day.  But I thought I still had 10 days to do it.  We went to a birthday party that night and I was glad to have a distraction to take my mind off my misery.   When we got home I remember just whining and complaining to my husband, trying to get him to UNDERSTAND just how terrible I felt. I am sure my husband thought, “Oh GEESH, do I have another 10 days of this?!”

Nope!

I woke up in the middle of the night that night and my water had broke.  Obviously broke.  I remember shaking with nerves and excitement and crawling on my hands and knees to get to my dresser to try to get dressed as my husband called our doctor.

I had a flashback of a bad video I saw in a birthing class about someone standing up after their water had broke and the umbilical cord falling out, so I was terrified and wanted to stay on all fours just in case.  I did not want my baby falling out in my bedroom.

As I was on the floor I thought, “June 11th is her birthday. June 11th.   June 11th. I get to meet her today on June 11th.”

My second thought was, “MY BAG ISN’T PACKED!!!!!”

And as I have learned over these past five years, just like an unpacked bag or a chosen birth date, there are endless things in motherhood you don’t expect or can’t “Type A” plan for, so going to the hospital without an officially packed bag was just a sign of what was to come!  And it turns out I really didn’t need the lip balm after all.

So my baby turns five tomorrow.

That picture makes me smile because I remember just staring at her in a daze in the hospital.  I was in awe, totally clueless.  No idea what I was doing.

But, she was mine. She was ours.  I was someone’s mom. Her mom. I stared at her features for hours.  I was in awe of how much she looked like her dad.  Still does.  I remember the first time I looked in her eyes.  Again, pure awe. Our souls were connected, always will be.

Five years is sort of a significant number to me.  Just think of the times you are asked, “what’s your five year plan?”  Or, “where do you see yourself five years from now?”

Looking back five years and thinking about where I am today, I don’t think I could have had the slightest inkling of just how much I would learn and how our lives would be changed forever.

She has been the source of tremendous joy and shown me a love that I didn’t know existed. She has challenged me and pushed me as a person. She makes me want to be a better person.

I still stare at her face in awe. Every day she is looking more like a little girl. I am noticing more mature features.  The “baby face” is slowly fading away.   When she was dancing with her dad in the “Daddy Daughter Dance” at her first dance recital last weekend, I thought, my God at the rate these past five years have gone before we know it she will be dancing with him at her wedding.  Not to go there, but really. And again, I smiled at how much she looks like her dad.

So, happy birthday to my little five-year-old Emma!  And happy weekend to everyone!

After the dance recital June 2011. Kudos to my husband for learning a whole routine to “Hero” by Enrique Inglesis.  Now that is daddy dedication! Hee hee… xoxo